How
Not to Run a Sub 4-Hour Marathon
(Marathon Running For Dummies)
By
Patrick Fariss
Start with a 206 lb. frame
(your knees, ankles, and joints will surely love the 26.2 mile continuous
pounding from a Rotund Runner. As you are setting your “Goal Time” (in this case 3:50:00),
remember that banking time is a perfect way to collapse at mile 19.
Mile 1 – (9:09) Avoid the
chaos of confetti and deliberate runners who are doing this at a
moderate pace and because the
find it pleasurable.
Mile 2 – (8:44) Beginning to
increase pace. After not thinking about the marathon too
(17:53) much beforehand, or remembering the
trials and tribulations of
Oklahoma City, I now begin to realize what I have gotten myself into.
Mile 3 – (8:00) Fastest mile
of entire race. There is no stopping me. Besides the fact that I
(25:54) am going downhill, I have broken into what might be called
a sprint, and I
have now made the decision that today I will attempt to
qualify for
Boston on this very day.
Mile 4 – (8:40) Maybe
qualifying for Boston and running a 3:15 was a little
(34:34) unreasonable…I have now left
my partner who decided it was time to sit
down and remove his warm up bottoms, and I will now run the
next 22
miles in solitude.
Mile 5 – (8:26) My mile times
are more inconsistent than John Kerry on the campaign
(43:01) trail.
Mile 6 – (8:32) Settling in on
pace. The annoying pain in my left foot that has plagued
(51:33) me during my training has once
again reared its ugly head. I am
beginning to wonder if the professor will catch up.
Mile 7 – (8:35) Nearing the
peak of what has been a “gradual hill” spanning the last 3
(1:00:00) miles. Not recalling the professor’s admonitions to slow down, I am very
pleased by covering 7 miles in the first hour. I believe (very incorrectly)
that have “banked” a great deal of time which I believe will
help me (I am
very sadly mistaken, as future miles will indicate).
Mile 8 – (8:24) Approaching
the infamous White Rock Lake. It seems more like a pond
(1:08:32) at this point, and I scoff at such a unworthy foe. It will
be nice to enjoy
the fresh air and scenery during this brief trip around a
small body of
water.
Mile 9 – (8:19) Gaining speed
as I have the Lake in my sights. Should be a pleasant run.
(1:16:52)
Mile 10 – (8:47) Slowing down
to enjoy the White Rock scenery. (Could be realizing that
(1:25:40) I might possibly have been going to fast. Realigning goal of Boston
qualifying, we’ll shoot for 3:30 instead).
Mile 11 – (8:53) Lake a little bigger than first
thought. With 15 miles still to go, I may
(1:34:34) need to slow down a tad. Becoming very chilly. Would not be
surprised
to see some lake effect snow.
Mile 12 – (8:51) Approaching
half way point. Half marathon not sounding quite so bad.
(1:43:25) If the rumors are correct and this is a 10 trip around the
lake, this is not
going to be as pleasant as first imagined.
Mile 13 – (8:42) 5 more miles
around this cursed lake?! I could use some levity from the
(1:52:08) professor at this point.
Mile 14 – (8:57) Lakes are for
sailing and fishing—NOT RUNNING AROUND.
(2:01:06) Slowing considerably because this is not fun anymore.
Mile 15 – (9:00) The return of
the 9 minute mile. It is survival from here on.
(2:10:06)
Mile 16 – (9:17) Let the
walking through aid stations begin!
(2:19:23)
Mile 17 – (9:26) Hungry,
Thirsty, Tired, Cold, and needing to find a restroom.
(2:28:50)
Mile 18 – (9:52) 10 minute
miles just around the corner. Old man in golf cart asking if I
(2:38:42) am in need of assistance. I am not quite as fond of this
lake as when I
first began. My overconfidence and
arrogance is appearing very foolish
(as was my paying money to experience
such an ordeal).
Mile 19 – (9:39) End of the
lake very near. Cannot come soon enough. Aid stations are
(2:48:22) becoming leisurely strolls. Recalculating goals of
finishing times.
Beginning to miss the professor a
little. May be becoming delusional.
Mile 20 – (10:11) First of the
10 minute miles. With 6 miles to go, it is the opposite of
(2:58:34) pleasant. Feet hurt, blisters mounting. The hill, which
includes an
illegally high grade for any
vehicle, I encounter next is not so bad as
the gradual incline that will
haunt me for the next 2-3 miles.
Mile 21 – (10:12) At least I
am consistent in my 10 minute mile pace. 3 hour, 50 minute
(3:08:46) marathon slipping away. Now just hoping that by sure will I
can make
it under 4 hours. Twill not be an
easy task.
Mile 22 – (9:47) After a
burst of energy (or sheer luck) I am regaining speed. Still asking
(3:18:34) myself how I am going to finish the remaining 4 miles.
Beginning to
feel the hamstring cramps
coming. Wondering when Coach Giddings
will blow past me. I should have
listened when he said, “Slow Down
you Junior College knucklehead!” (edited
for a G-rating).
Mile 23 – (10:26) It is a slow
and arduous task, and with each small stride, I am asking
(3:29:00) why race officials would allow an 200 lb. ox to entertain
the thought of
this race. It should be considered
criminal negligence.
Mile 24 – (10:13) Cramping,
grimacing, and in obvious pain.
(3:39:13)
Mile 25 – (8:18)
Realizing that I am about to finish with an embarrassing time, I quickly
(3:47:32) speed up my pace. (I believe there could also have been a
wind at my
back and the mile marker could be
misplaced.) The 4 hour pace-setter
catches me and I use every ounce of
energy to keep up. Apparently, she
seems to be sprinting (as does everyone
else around me), and she
encourages us only 2 miles to go.
Mile 26 – (10:56) Quite
possibly the slowest mile of my life. This is the result of trying
to
(3:58:26) “bank” time at the onset. Cramps are on the horizon with
every step
and I am pleading for them not to
set in. One would assume that I
walked much of this mile, but this
is not the case. There was no
walking involved, and this is the
price one pays for trying to run a
sprint instead of a marathon.
The .2 –
(1:51) I see the 4
hour girl in ahead in the distance, but try as I may, there is no
(4:00:15) catching her. She is only a mirage in the distance. As I hit the 100 yd.
mark, I am in a dead sprint
(meaning I am dead, but I still try to sprint),
but it is of no use. I see the clock
roll into the 4:00:00 as I hit the 50
yard mark, and cross the line in an unthinkable time of 4:00:15. How a
person cannot salvage 15 seconds I do
not understand. In an attempt to
justify my lackluster performance, I am
using this race as an
opportunity to provide motivation and
incentive for the April 27, 2007,
Oklahoma City race. While I finished the
race in just enough time to
avoid the rain, I had seen
enough water (the cursed lake) for one day,
and I hobbled to my car. A
learning experience, but a very difficult race.
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